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10 August 2010 @ 07:43 pm
she's got to love nobody  
 since i definitely don't want to do english work, i'm stealing these from josh and india's tumblrs. and putting multiple ones into one entry. yay.


i always try to be really confident in myself even when i'm really stupid, but i want to kick myself quite often. obviously, i hate that i can seem insensitive and cold to deeper problems. i'm wonderful on a shallow level with people, but i just can't handle crying and sadness...it's not that i never feel bad for anyone, i just have no idea how to express it or what to say.
and i hate how i'm scared of being super close to people, it stems from the same place as the insensitivity. i have some amazing friends, but only a few i'd call my best friends, and none of my bff girlfriends who share everything with me know as much about me as some of my guy friends. well, two of them. i'm really scared of relying on another person, i'd rather take care of myself then have someone let me down. which is why i'm really proud of myself and this whole seven-month relationship thing i'm doing right now.
lastly, i hate how i'm apathetic and don't ever make enough effort. for anything. i settle a lot because i don't want to work. i've been blessed with the ability to not study and make a's, but i could still do so much better.


i love how sure of myself i am, and how over the years i've gotten over what other people think about me and i figure if i'm happy, that's pretty important. and i'm lucky enough to have amazing friends who know who i am and accept and love me <3
i also love how independent i am and how now that they're closer to being fully formed, i'm not afraid to express my opinion, even if it differs radically from yours. i've learned that if you do that without antagonizing anyone, it's a great experience. and since i'm pretty much liberal, it happens a lot in the environment i'm in. 
i love how i'm smart enough to do that. either i had great teachers or God loves me more than i thought, but i really think i have a good head on my shoulders, and it's always been easy for me to make great grades. well, till junior year, but lets not talk about that. 
and i love how blessed i am, to have such a loving family and amazing friends, to go to a good school and live freely.


ooh, this is deep. hmm. i have to forgive myself for never giving enough effort, for letting friends drift away and in general slacking off when i have such great opportunities that i should take advantage of.
i know this sounds terrible, but i really strive to live with no regrets. yeah, i've done stupid stuff in my life but i try to learn from it and not let it affect my future. everything happens for a reason. i'm in high school, i'm going to screw up. i can't let it get me down, that would just make everything worse. 


again, deep.
i'd rather not, but i have to forgive your for going completely psycho and blaming me for all your problems when, in reality, i hadn't done anything to you except for have confidence in myself and accept the fact that you were a bad influence, weighing me down. you're the one person i don't regret losing as a friend, and i'll be happy if i never see you again. atlanta's a big city, maybe that'll happen. i forgive you for blowing everything out of proportion and letting it fuck you up like it did to no one else. i was so confused, of course i didn't confront you. i was scared and knew that you were most certainly not someone i needed in my life. i forgive you for being so incredibly melodramatic and trying to drag me into that pit of self-loathing and misery. and i don't regret a single thing i did in our relationship, because i was so much happier when you were gone. i didn't even like him until two years later. geeze. my real friends stuck around and we worked this out.

and i forgive you for being stupid. even though that was blown out of proportion too, and everything else was...typical. but unless you're an even better liar than i thought, summer's been great. but i'll never admit i forgive you. and i don't trust you yet. you might get there. i can't imagine myself being happier in a relationship, something i thought would never happen, especially with you.

and everyone i had spats or other little high school issues, those were forgiven a long time ago. because i love you guys.


i want to see the world. all of it. i mean, international relations, ftw! i may change my mind, but before i'm tied down i want to go everywhere. i want to learn seven languages. i want to live in france, italy, monaco, spain and madagascar. i want to be a contributing member of the international community.

at some point, i wanna get married. i want to live in complete bliss, at least for the honeymoon phase, with one other person. i want to share everything with them. and i want to decorate my own house. i'm really looking forward to that. and adopting a dog.


this is hard. i never want to hit rock bottom. i never want to give in to something as stupid as drugs. 
i never want to say goodbye to anyone i love. i know i'll have to, but let's say when we're the golden girls or that cute old couple at kroger racing scooters. ever since my friend scott, who i'd known since age six, killed himself, it got my thinking about how much i'd miss those people closest to me if i ever lost them forever and how badly it would destroy me. the look on his girlfriend's face at his funeral about killed me, and all of us in the reserved cheer squad and youth group seats sat there completely crushed. seventeen's too young.
MUSIC: daughtery's pokerface :)
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